


Place Name Wars

by lola381pce



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Fluff and Smut, Innuendo, M/M, Place Names, Smutty Innuendo
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-28
Updated: 2020-06-28
Packaged: 2021-03-04 04:14:22
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,576
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24963577
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lola381pce/pseuds/lola381pce
Summary: While travelling on a recruitment mission, Coulson starts what becomes known as " The Place Name Wars" with Clint. Much smut and innuendo follow.
Relationships: Clint Barton/Phil Coulson
Comments: 31
Kudos: 97





	Place Name Wars

**Author's Note:**

> This entire work was inspired by the link in the North Carolina post. Thank you, Tumblr :)
> 
> To anyone who lives or hails from any of the following places, no offense is meant. If you follow my works, you know how my mind operates by now and I live for smutty innuendos. Hope you enjoy!

**Yorkshire, England**

Surprisingly, it’s Coulson who starts the wars. He’s in England on a recruitment mission when he drives past the signpost to a tiny Yorkshire village. He blinks, processing what he’s just seen and checking no-one’s behind him in the rearview, turns the car around to take a photo. With a smirk, he composes a quick text adding the image and hits send. An amused half-smile still curling up the corner of his mouth, he climbs back into the rental and continues his journey through the village on to Driffield to roll out the welcome wagon.

He enters The Mishka Pub ten minutes later to scope out the place before the intelligence reports suggest his mark usually arrives. Satisfied it's an acceptable location, Coulson occupies a booth at the rear with excellent sightlines of all entry and exit points. Blending in with the other patrons, he places a food and drinks order then checks for a response to his message.

  * COULSON - _No matter the condition of your wang, you should always drive carefully_
  * BARTON - _Thats fucking awesome! Keep yours happy n drive safe boss_
  * COULSON - _Always_ he sends back, then realising how his reply could be taken, closes his eyes with a sigh. He meant he always drives safely not keeps his… wang… happy. His jaw muscles bunch together a couple of times in mild irritation then amusement. It's his own fault for trying to out smartass Barton. Especially with smutty innuendos. 



Coulson opens his eyes and carefully smoothes his hand down his tie in a familiar gesture, once again the calm competent S.H.I.E.L.D. Agent.

And the village? [ **Wetwang** ](https://www.wetwang.org.uk/) (pop 761) where the residents wish you a pleasant stay, request that you drive carefully and insist you keep to the 30mph speed limit.

**Newfoundland Labrador, province of Canada**

On his way home from an undercover op in St. Johns, Clint decides to add an extra day to his time in the province. He had to after finding out about this place. While enjoying an ice-cold craft beer on tap as he sits on the waterfront deck, he takes a photo of the sign belonging to the local brewing company making sure his ale is in the shot. Taking a sip from his glass he sends the image with a short message to his handler.

A few moments later, Coulson’s cell vibrates in his pocket. He glances at it and chokes off a snort of laughter. Re-setting his face to its customary inscrutable expression, his eyes dart around the room to see if anyone noticed the slip. Fortunately, the aborted snort’s not been loud enough to attract unwanted attention including that of Director Fury but only because his fierce glare is already fixed on the new Head of Finance bleating on about the rising cost of missions and subsequent medical care. Coulson can't help but think the man’s not destined long for the position while he texts Clint back below the tabletop.

  * HAWKEYE - _look what i found. it doesn’t vibrate, it’s only got one setting (leisurely) but it still gets my rocks off and swallowing the local fluids_
  * BOSSMAN - _Good to know you swallow_



Clint apologises to the couple near to him when beer shoots from his nose.

And the little place that Clint made time to visit? Well, you’ll be glad to know there’s no place like [ **Dildo** ](https://www.newfoundlandlabrador.com/trip-ideas/travel-stories/theres-no-place-like-dildo) (pop 1200)

**South Australia, Australia**

Phil likes kangaroos. Even the Queensland beach bums. Especially the Queensland beach bums, probably because they remind him of Barton. Not in any weird way, they just have the same puppy dog eyes Clint uses when Phil's still eating and Clint’s finished his own burger but wants some of Phil's. The beach bums do that too. When he was in Cape Hillsborough a couple of Eastern Greys had sat nearby all friendly and approachable eyeing up his food, however, Phil had stuck to the rules and refused to feed them no matter how cute or mournful they'd looked. He hasn't quite mastered that same skill with Clint and usually ends up sharing what's left of his meal with him.

Now in South Australia, it’s a mob of Red kangaroos lounging in the shade of some scrub and grazing on the vast open plains that make him grin for a moment as he passes on his way to Kimba. Some unusual activities have been reported in the area and the Adelaide office he's just visited has requested he investigate given his experience in the field of 0-8-4s. 

It's around half a day's travel along the NHA1, but he enjoys driving new roads. It gives him some much needed alone time with his thoughts and music. Unless of course beach bum Barton is with him. His smile is as soft as it is deep when Clint pops into his mind again. It would have been nice to have him on this trip, although he knows Clint would have caved in and fed the roos. Lucky is called ‘pizza dog’ for a reason after all.

Coulson's tyres kick up an impressive plume of dust when he steps hard on the brakes. The roos are unimpressed and ignore him as he reverses back and pulls over. The moment he steps foot out the vehicle the stifling heat steals his breath and soaks his shirt. He winces, immediately missing the coolness of the air con in the car. It doesn't prevent him from taking the photo though. 

  * BARTON - _awesome boss,_ s _hould we tell stark_
  * COULSON - _No, we should not!_
  * BARTON - _aw cmon, sir it'd stroke his ego big time_
  * COULSON - _He doesn't need his ego stroked… or anything else before you ask_



It would seem South Australia is somewhat obsessed with knobs. The tiny mining town (now visitor centre) of [ **Iron Knob** ](https://www.aussietowns.com.au/town/iron-knob-sa#location) (pop around 150) is one of several place names with the word in it although not necessarily for the reason you - or Clint - might think.

**North Carolina, USA**

Clint’s tucking into his BBQ Melt sandwich at BBQ Joe’s in High Point trying not to moan indecently with each mouthful. So sue him, it’s amazing, full of tender smoked brisket that melts in his mouth. With three cheeses and Joe’s sauce served on Texas toast it smells and tastes like a little bit of heaven. The first three bites were gone in a flash barely touching his taste buds, but now he's savouring it, enjoying every morsel. Now and again he accompanies the sandwich with a forkful of either creamy mac n cheese from a huge bowl on his left or another of homemade coleslaw sitting beside it. Life can't get any better. 

That is until a well-built good-looking guy wearing the best fire department t-shirt ever walks in. 

Clint does a double-take, almost choking on his food. The waitress pats his hand sympathetically as she passes by, telling him he's not the first to have such a reaction to Firefighter Dan. However, he should just go ahead and enjoy his meal as Dan's happily married to his childhood sweetheart. Clint blinks at her assumption but lets it go ducking his head with a shy smile instead. Probably better she thinks that than what's really on his mind; Firefighter Dan’s t-shirt. While he eats, he checks his phone to see if the place is real then for directions deciding to head there after his meal. There's a road sign photo with Phil's name on he has to take.

  * HAWKEYE - _saw this n thot of u, boss_
  * BOSSMAN - _Do I even want to know_?
  * HAWKEYE - _apparently it’s just 26 miles away from the town of Climax n 47 miles from Erect_
  * BOSSMAN - _Ah, perfectly understandable then_



You've no idea, Clint thinks wistfully, slipping his phone onto the pocket of his jeans.

Enjoy your visit to [ **Horneytown** ](https://lola381pce.tumblr.com/post/622075153570054144/fell-reverie-environmental-storytelling) (pop unknown) and the surrounding area, just stop stealing the road signs. The residents are pretty fed up with it!

**Pennsylvania, USA**

Clint and Phil collapse on the bed dragging air into their oxygen-deprived lungs. Intense sex in between bouts of kissing and sucking fevered skin with hungry mouths will do that to a person. Their naked bodies glisten with sweat in the light from the waning moon peering through the window of their room, the only witness to their lovemaking.

Phil rolls his head to the side to look at Clint, drinking in the flush of his skin and the rise and fall of his chest as his breathing slowly returns to normal. 

“Damn, you look good like that,” he pants, reaching out to tangle his fingers with Clint’s. Clint gives him a tired, happy smile in return. 

“Not so shabby yourself, darlin’,” he drawls, stroking his thumb over Phil’s knuckles. “Reckon this was the right place for us. Glad you came?”

“Phrasing,” Phil quips and huffs out a quiet laugh. “Took us a while to make it happen but... definitely the right place.” He leans over to brush his lips against Clint’s in a soft kiss and whispers, “I’ll come for you all over again in the morning.”

Clint smirks and kisses him back. “How about you come all over me in the morning?”

Phil snorts and lazily cleans them both off with a t-shirt then curls himself around Clint’s body, cooler now the sweat has dried. “Nap now, shower later, and we'll see what comes up in the morning.”

And the right place? [ **Intercourse** ](http://www.villageofintercourse.com/) (pop 1274) - there’s no place quite like it.

**Author's Note:**

> Hope you enjoyed this little bit of fun. 
> 
> As a sidebar, I was born and raised in a place named Penis Island. Not that I knew that at the time. In English it's called the Isle of Bute, in Gaelic, it's Eilean Bhòid but if you miss the accent over the 'ò', as had happened and gone unnoticed for nearly a decade when the tourist signs were translated... well, as you see, it could easily have made it into Phil and Clint's Place Name Wars.


End file.
